This Week on the Rollercoaster - Depression.

Being laid off was, as I’ve said, devastating. I took time to work a few weeks back where it felt so good to be surrounded by friends who had become family. I thought that those six weeks were my time to grieve with distraction but I don’t think that it was enough after all. Now I feel like I am behind the curve on all of the emotions and no closer to having a full-time position.

I’m also spending a lot of time looking at the C-Suites of companies that come up in searches and seeing the same faces over and over. Last night in anger I drew this picture and drafted a much more salty blog post about an image of a team being celebrated. All men who look the same.

Then I worry, am I being too picky without even getting a job offer? Am I the type of woman who can afford to be picky? Or, will I end up somewhere where I get lost in the shuffle, again? I remember one of my first weeks at a position a man spoke over me in a meeting and I stood up for myself. I came home PUMPED and kept saying ‘I’m here to be in charge and I’m going to act like it!’ I loved that job and I loved how I felt in the beginning. I did not love how I felt towards the end, fighting to be listened to, silently crying through my last 1x1 (I didn’t know it was the last) trying to express how valuable I know I am and how I felt like it didn’t matter to leadership. For example, after the holidays I was asked to take on twice the amount of work with no promotion when a man near me casually mentioned they were also given more responsibility and a promotion in a “ah I guess this stuff just happens!” kind of way.

Then I remember how embarrassed I am about a time when I DID get a promotion and my male partner at work got one as well and I was happy and proud. Then later I realized wait… his title is higher than mine, is his compensation? It was more, by a lot. I’m so embarrassed by how grateful I was, I feel like a sucker, like everyone knew but me.

I’m not a victim and I feel like I’m acting like one because I am so scared and so so sad. But I can’t be the type of person who paints everything shiny and happy, and I also can’t let my sadness win.

I want diversity, I want to be challenged, I want to have opportunities to prove my value and move up. I know I deserve that it.